One of the biggest questions I get asked as a sexologist is ‘How do my partner and I take sex from f*cking… to making love?’ Unfortunately, there’s no simple and easy way to answer this question because each couple is different, and each individual brings their own ‘stuff’ into the relationship. By ‘stuff’, I mean challenges from the past; childhood trauma, abuse, past relationship baggage…all the pain experienced as a human that is left unresolved, pushed down and not dealt with. Much of this pain prevents us from getting close to our partner. By close, I mean truly intimate, connected and spiritually united.

So how do we take the first steps to creating a deeper sense of intimacy and connection with our beloved? Firstly, have the courage to face your own pain and what it is that is holding you back from connection. You may not know exactly what that is, and that’s ok. But if you truly want to connect with your beloved, it’ s time to first connect with yourself. You can do this by booking in a session with a healer and/or therapist.

Secondly, set specific time aside to spend one-on-one time with your partner. We live in a very busy world and there are plenty of distractions that prevent us from experiencing true intimacy…it’s time to prioritise your relationship and stop using ‘work’ and ‘the kids’ as an excuse not to truly connect. Book in a regular date night and stick to it.

Thirdly, stop blaming each other for the lack of intimacy and begin taking responsibility for what’s lacking in your relationship. It’s so easy to blame and shame our partner and make out like it’s their fault. Truth is, it takes two to tango and it takes two to move forward and commit to deepening the connection. When you’re both on the same page, and the blame game stops, watch how your relationship evolves.


Juliet Allen is a Sexologist, Sex Coach and Writer.  With a reputation for her bold and straight-to-the-point manner, Juliet runs educative workshops, retreats and events in Australia for young people and adults. Juliet is passionate about empowering women to embrace their true sexual nature and encourages everyone to explore and own their sexuality. Her popular weekly sexology column features in the Gold Coast Bulletin and her writing features regularly in Elephant Journal, GQ, Huffington Post, Thought Catalogue and her own blog, Let’s Talk About Sex.  


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