Hey, Livia and Liza! Do many of your friends and family know you blog about sex? How do you think it's influenced your own sex life? More sex, better sex or less because you're busy blogging about sex?
Livia: Other than my husband, Liza and perhaps two or three others, nobody knows I blog about sex. I write a lot of erotica under another name, and under that guise I'm not shy about it so my friends and family know I write sex and are fine with it. Though would I want them knowing I blog about sex also? Hmmm, I don't think so.
And yes, it most certainly is influencing my sex life, if only for the great advice and resources I've been given by others in the field. It mainly had an impact on the way I approach sex. I'm less selfish now and I take as much pleasure in focusing on my man as I do in getting myself off. I've learned the importance of trust and communication in sex, and I've let my inhibitions go a bit to allow for more liberating experiences. These are all things that had fallen by the wayside. I guess you could say I had become lazy in the bedroom!
Liza: Like Livia, a couple of friends know that I blog about sex, and as yet no family members know, other than my husband. There are a few friends I would like to tell, mostly because I know that they enjoy the sort of stuff I write about and they have very open attitudes about sex. I'd quite like to be able to chatter with them about all this fun stuff!
As to how blogging has affected my sex life, it's been an interesting experience. I've been blogging about sex for about a year and a half, and at times it has affected my sex life and my attitude in general. Last year I wrote a piece for xojane.com about how blogging affected me and decisions I made that, in retrospect, weren't terribly healthy. I do think that at times I had sex I might not have had because of the blog, and I'm not exactly proud of that. However, I've never *not* had sex because of the blog, as in, I spent more time writing about it than having it.
How do you just let go during sex? Any advice on how to get out of your own head and to just enjoy the moment? I find I'm often too distracted by my own concerns and insecurities that I lose focus.
Livia: If you read our blog, Tongue Tied, you'll know that this is something that I suffer from on a regular basis. I think the most important thing is to feel relaxed and actually want sex. If you're not in the 'zone' then the likelihood is that you're not going to be able to switch your mind off from the other fluff that's floating around inside. Everyone has insecurities about their body, just as you do, so does the person you're fucking, but the thing to remember is that they want to fuck you so you are alllllll gooood!
Liza: I can't really say it much better or differently from how Liv put it. But if you're feeling body conscious, consider candle light. If you've got some hangups about noise, pop some tunes on. Unbound has great playlists for amping up the sexy time. But yeah, they want to fuck you, too, so get to it!
I have been seeing this guy for about 7 months. He's great and all that stuff people always say. The sex is good and we both seem to enjoy a good chemistry but something has become very apparent: we both like to dominate. Like I said, we have a good chemistry outside the bedroom and the sex is great but I think we're both wishing the other would...submit a bit. I love to take control and really assert myself and while he seems to be turned on just fine by that, he seems to enjoy that role of control just as much. How can we manage our own preferences and accommodate each others as well?
Livia: Like everything in life, sex is just as much about the giving as it is the receiving. Let him see how much pleasure you will get from being the Domme sometimes, chances are that he will thrive off your pleasure and enjoy the power play equally as much - a nice surprise for him.
Liza: I think switching is awesome, but that's because I'm a switch! If you both are good with trading roles from time to time, it seems like you're on the right path to meeting both your needs. It sounds like it might be time for a bit of negotiation and exploration of exactly how you want to play your roles and how you want to establish the power exchange. The activities that get you off are probably different: do you need to be raunchy and rough? Does he like to play with restraints? It might be a good time to literally lay it all on the table (including the floggers, handcuffs, silk scarves, and harnesses) and plan your next encounter.
I'm 28. I'm no virgin but I'm not sexual. Like, I like sex, have it often enough and try to masturbate as well when I can. But truth be told, I don't really feel like I've tapped into my sexuality yet. Where do I start? I don't have time for an erotic Eat, Pray, Love but I think I need to hone in a bit more. Is this better done with a partner or by myself?
Liza: This is a great question, and speaking from my own experience, I think that you have to understand what makes yourself tick sexually. Discovery with a partner can be amazing, and if you've got someone you trust, with whom you can be honest and ask for what you need, then by all means go for it. But if you're still working on the question of what really turns you on, you can explore quite easily at home (though I wouldn't rule out a trip to Italy if you can swing it!). Although the Unbound box comes out in June, the concept of what Unbound is offering is just the ticket for a bit of self-exploration: quality toys, well-written erotica and other goodies are absolutely worth exploring. I didn't get my first vibrator until about 3 years ago and that little sucker changed my life. I learned so much about my orgasm and my body's responses, and I was able to share that with my partner, making sex all the better for both of us. Indulge yourself with some regularity, and explore new ways of engaging with your sexuality.
Livia: A few of my friends have confided in me lately that they are dissatisfied sexually, be it because they are single or because they have 'lost touch' with their partners. Some are just not interested in sex anymore. I always tell them the same thing - regardless of whether you are getting attention from someone else, you must not neglect yourself. Self gratification has a lot to answer for. It helps us understand our body, our likes and dislikes, which in turn can be the difference between comfort and discomfort in the presence of another. Spend some time alone, strip it back and get raw. Forget about the books and DVDs and toys and all the other erotic paraphernalia that's out there today, and simply spend some time with your imagination and the touch of your own hand. Let your thoughts form organically and allow your hands to roam freely. Doing this a few times to begin with will enable you to tap into your sexual being and further recognise and understand your sexual desires and fantasies. Once those have been recognised, go forth and enjoy all the erotica and porn and sex toys the world has to offer!
Got a question? Send SJ a note at Sarahjayne@unboundbox.com