According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2017 was the Year of the Rooster and 2018 will be the Year of the Dog. Are you thinking what we're thinking? Out with the cock and in with the BITCH. To honor this beautiful ceding of cosmic power, we present to you 2018 horoscopes with corresponding vibrator recs and famous bitches of the same sign.
December 22-January 19
As a Capricorn, you’ve probably got an aggressive list of resolutions for the year ahead. You like to stay on top of things and set goals that are aspirational, yet pragmatic.
Given that 2017 was a literal dumpster fire, take some time in 2018 to lighten up a bit. Look for opportunities to go outside your comfort zone and try something new. This year will be a big one for you work-wise, as there will be a big fork in the road where you’ll have to choose whether to make the leap to a new opportunity or take a promotion at your current job. You aren’t always the most patient, so take time to really evaluate where you want to be. Don’t let your strong ambitions cloud your thinking, Cap! Look deep for what will bring you the greatest sense of happiness, which can be hard for you at times.
Romantic clarity will hit you in April, when Saturn is in retrograde. You may falter and find yourself slipping into bad habits again (texting those you shouldn’t), and feeling in a bit of a rut. You’re a go-getter Capricorn so don’t let yourself feel helpless. You’re best when you’re rolling up your sleeves and being proactive, so snap out of it! You’re happiest with another straight shooter so make sure the people you’re romantically involved with aren’t deceptive.
2018 will be a big growth year for you. Don’t be scared to try new things, even if it seems silly. Being outside of your comfort zone doesn’t always have to be such a bad thing :-)
January 20-February 18
Oh, Aquarius. You lightening bolt of creative spirit! 2017 was an exciting year for you, as the person many people turned to when they needed some cheering up. You flourished socially, meeting lots of new interesting people and expanding your friend group in new and interesting ways. However, as the year wraps up, you find yourself feeling a bit burnt out and needing to set more boundaries for self care. Just because you are loved by many doesn’t mean you always have to be at every event. Repeat after me: it’s okay to say no sometimes.
Your two planets, Uranus and Saturn will be in juxtaposition this year -- with Uranus transitioning between Aries and Taurus pulling you towards change and turbulence while Saturn sits squarely in Capricorn, its home sign. This will result in 2018 being a year that feels like you’re being pulled in different direction. Although you’ll want to brush this off as “just craziness” make sure you take time for yourself to reflect when confronting this pull. Try journaling this year and keeping track of your feelings as a way to stay grounded (which can be hard for you as an air sign).
When it comes to love and sex, the start of 2018 might be a bit slow, but give it time. You will be pulled in many directions in the summer months, conflicted between having fun and settling down. Take caution as your carefree attitude towards romance could hurt someone you care about and while it might be “just having fun” to you, it might be something more in the eyes of your partner. In October, Venus will go into retrograde and you’ll find yourself drawn towards very intense sex and trying things that are new and exciting. You love experimentation and are addicted to the adrenaline rush of breaking social norms. Just make sure you’re also checking in with your own emotions as you also can be incredibly tender and soft (when you want to be).
Product recommendations: As a sign that is destined to try all things new and exciting, this year you’ll expand your sexual horizons. Products that would be great for you to try include: G Spot serum + Gem dildo for self exploration and heightened arousal, Neck and Wrist Restraints for some fun kink play, and truth or dare cards for having some fun.
February 19-March 20
You may not know this, Pisces, but you’re mesmerizing as hell. Following a challenging Mars-Neptune square in mid-February, the rest of 2018 will be all about you -- you just gotta get through a few hiccups at the beginning of the year. Luckily, you’re one of the most compassionate signs and you can use this to your advantage in both your professional and personal lives during this short, but rocky period.
Professionally, it’ll be important to look out for deceit among your coworkers. Since you’re a water sign, you have a knack for empathy. Try to look past the shiftiness and connect on a deeper level with the people you work with in order to form a stronger bond of trust with them. But perhaps more importantly, use that empathy on yourself. Understand that there are some things that you won’t be able to change -- just focus on your own needs and don’t worry too much about the others.
At the end of February, the sun moves into Pisces, shining lots of light on your dominant element: water. You’re the wettest of water signs (*smirk*), especially when the sun is chillin’ in your sign. If you’re facing sexual or romance-related issues, try swimming or spending more time around water. You’re a romantic creature of the sea (you’re mythologized as a mermaid) and it could do you a lot of good to reconnect with your watery, sensual core. Try taking some space (but not too much) from your typical sexual or romantic routine, but remember to communicate this need for space clearly.
March 21-April 19
Aries you are a tour de force. While 2017 felt like a bit of a down year for you, 2018 will be one of immense growth. You are the most resilient sign, determined to always get through whatever hardship you face and 2018 will have many. The year ahead will push you in new and challenging ways and you will have to control both your temper and frustration. It’s easy for you to lose your cool. As a fire sign you have to lean on others at times to help cool you down and show you the way. Don’t view this as a weakness, rather, see it as a growing opportunity. Asking for help is a sign of maturity, above all else.
The sun enters your sign at the end of March which will be a time when you are professionally stretched. As an assertive and direct person, you’ll need to dig deep for apathy when things are put on your plate at work, perhaps unfairly. Showing up and helping out even when you don’t have to will pay off in the long run and you’ll be rewarded for your good deeds. Try to stay calm and look at the professional challenges as an opportunity to help and support those around you as opposed to just “another thing added to your list.” Above all else, stay calm. If you find yourself getting frustrated at work, force yourself to get up and go for a walk. Don’t let your temper get the best of you.
Romantically, this year will be volatile and intense but rewarding. With a lunar eclipse at the end of January you might find yourself growing close with someone quite rapidly and unexpectedly, sexually curious in new things. Jupiter will station itself in your intimacy sector until November. The winter will show itself as a time when you’re required to dig deep and explore feelings you might have but on the back burner. You’ll be forced to focus on yourself and what it is you truly are aroused by, as opposed to just going with the flow. Mercury retrogrades in December and things might feel off, an ex might reappear unexpectedly and you’ll have to decide what to do.
Product recommendations: Marley Vibrator (warming...bc you’re a fire sign, duh!), Squish because you can actually control your intensity for once (wink, wink), lube and sampler box for when you want to try a little bit of everything (because, you’re always busy busy busy!).
April 20-May 20
Taurus, as the sign that is stable and grounded, 2017 proved to test you in so many ways. The good news is that 2018 will be less of a shitshow and you’ve learned your lessons. With Venus approaching Pluto in Capricorn you’ll be pushed and pulled and tempted to fall into old habits this year. Make sure that you’re really prioritizing self care, because you have a tendency to always put yourself last and that has to change. You’re not doing anyone any favors by not taking care of yourself, too.
At work this year your patience will pay off when that crazy long ass project that everyone bailed on turns out to be a total success. As a loyalist, you find yourself staying at your current job but working incredibly hard to advance -- and you’ll be noticed for it, don’t worry. This year you’ll also look to put down roots in a home, finally taking the time to hang those framed posters and buy the colorful pillows that make the room pop. Look to 2018 as a year that your finances finally get into actual order and you open up that 401 that you’ve been saying you’d do fo-ev-ah.
With love and sex this year, you’ll take your time but it will be worth the wait. You need someone who can rival your tender intimacy. Someone who isn’t volatile and all over the place. Protect yo heart and make sure you don’t let others abuse it. You are a giver and you have to make sure that whoever you’re with is also a giver or you’ll be sucked emotionally dry. In October, Venus will go into retrograde and you’ll find yourself feeling vulnerable. Make sure to give yourself extra self care in October and maybe skip the Halloween festivities this year for the perfect night in with a bath, book, and vibe (trust us on this one). 2018 will bring love in unexpected places so don’t be too quick to write off that hot eye contact from across the room. Lean towards it and it will pay off.
Product recommendations: 2018 is the year of self care for you Taurus. We’re recommending all things beautiful because you’re a lover of great design: one finger massage ring, massage candle, wooden dildo, Vesper.
May 21-June 20
Dearest Gems. You’re the queen of balancing it all, even when you have three events scheduled on the same day, at the same time. Be prepared for some pretty big changes in the new year. Beginning in January, Saturn will begin to move out of your opposite sign, Sagittarius, while Jupiter makes its way in. As Jupiter moves through your sixth house of health and wellness during this transition, really focus on taking care of yourself, even if you don’t think you need it.
At work, you appear to be a natural when it comes to any task. Your coworkers don’t know how you do it, as you appear to just breeze through it all (with a ton of confidence to boot!). There will be three Mercury retrogrades in 2018: March 22 through April 15, July 26 through August 19, and November 16 through December 6. Don’t back down if you find work tougher than usual -- remember that you have the power of your words and your all-confident attitude.
Prepare yourself for a shift from short-lived romances to a potential relationship. Don’t be afraid of the prospect of commitment. This sexual/romantic “relationship” could be with another person, people, yourself - who knows! Venus will visit your sign at the end of April, which means something will get you hot and bothered, but in a way you’ve never experienced before. Again, it’ll be important to set aside more time than usual for some self-love and introspection.
Product recommendations: Practice some restraint, then release: Neck and Wrist Restraints, Squish (start slow, then go more powerful), JimmyJane Afterglow Candle, Party Hat Condoms (girl, just use the damn condoms).
June 21-July 22
You’re a New Years kinda gal, Cancer. Why? Because it gives you an excuse to hone your emotional nature and connect with loved ones. You’re a deeply intuitive person and tbh, you harbor a little resentment towards those who reject that. Come 2018, Jupiter will merge with another water sign, Scorpio, which will illuminate your artistic and romantic energies -- sounds pretty fitting for you, huh? Try to direct those energies towards the areas of your life in which you typically experience discomfort or tension for surprising results.
You’re passionate about what you do, but you can’t handle mundane tasks. At the same time, you tend to let your shyness get the best of you and rarely speak up about all those great ideas swimming around in your head. In 2018, allow yourself to take more creative risks and don’t be afraid to show the world (and yourself) that no-nonsense part of yourself that you usually reserve for your therapist.
That artistic 2018 energy applies to the bedroom too, Cancer! January’s lunar eclipse with the moon in Leo will push you into the spotlight, so you might as well own it -- especially when it comes to sex (with yourself or someone else!). It’s okay if you’ve been feeling like breaking out of your usual sexual pattern. Embrace that newfound confidence and don’t be afraid to take charge. Replace the old vibe that you’ve been so attached to! Switch the roles and wear a strap-on during your next sexual encounter!
Product recommendations: Here are some game changing products for your 2018: Kinklab Adjustable Harness + Tantus Silk Dildo (take the reigns, babe), Clitoral Jolt Gel (tingly sensations for the gal who loves to feel), Mimi Soft (a go-to vibe), Squish.
July 23-August 22
2018 is going to be big for you Leo. The planets find themselves in the perfect formation for you to capitalize on the year ahead. The Sun will enter Leo at the moment Uranus is positioned in grounded Taurus, Saturn in the sensible Capricorn and Venus in the orderly Virgo. This order will bode well for you as the sign that likes things their way (or bust, babe).
Your professional life is going to require you to let go a bit this year and put your faith in others. As a fiercely independent and confident sign, it can be difficult for you to delegate tasks to others. As a result, you often end up burnt out and feeling ragged. At work you’ll be pushed to be more focused on doing a handful of things really well, while coaching others to take on some of the things on your plate. Make sure you give feedback early and often, you’re a fire sign and can be known to erupt at work when things don’t go your way. It’s important to remember that you’re part of a team and that when everyone wins, you win, too biddie! Sometimes you get discouraged when your hard work isn’t recognized, but be patient -- good things are headed your way in 2018.
Romantically, beware of entering new relationships this summer with in retrograde in July and August. Instead, maybe plan a trip for yourself to somewhere new and exotic. Either go solo or bring another sign that is equally independent at adventurous like Sag or Aquarius. You’ll find yourself craving more from partners this year and less inhibited from speaking out about it. You do best with someone who can keep up your libido and isn’t afraid to experiment. 2018 may find you testing new waters in polyamory, gender identity, and/or bisexual curiousity. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and try something new. You don’t always have to been queen of the bedroom, you know.
Product recommendations: 2018 will be full of sexual adventure for you, Leo. Here are the best buys for a queen of the bedroom like you: Gold Star Pasties, Exsens Glam Oil, BiStronic Fusion, Luxe Cuffs.
August 23-September 22
Heeeey there, Virgs. You may be feeling overwhelmed right now -- all the holiday festivities are getting in the way of your typical routine and threatening your ability to be practical. Try to question yourself a bit more as we enter the new year. A full moon in Virgo at the beginning of 2018 will challenge you to give in to urges that seem less than logical and you’ll learn that you’re actually quite good at following your gut.
While paying attention to tiny details has served you pretty well professionally, it may be the one thing that prevents you from getting noticed next year. Your supervisor knows you’re meticulous and hardworking, but they might seek more from you than your ability to just get the job done. Rather than sticking to what you know, tap in to the unfamiliar and see what happens!
Same thing goes for romance, Virgo. Quit worrying about what’s right or wrong and just go for it if it feels nice!! Try your best to keep the criticism to a minimum. When you run into sexual hurdles, spend less time analyzing what went wrong and focus instead on trying something different, like wearing a blindfold while masturbating or during sex with a partner. Your new mantra: it doesn’t always have to make sense!!
Product recommendations: Bean (reliable orgasms and quiet), Booshies (practical wipes for your body and toys -- they’re flushable, too), Bijoux Indiscrets Blind Passion Mask (tap in to those feelings, babe!), Womanizer Pro40 (get the release you need).
September 23-October 22
You’re a thinker, Libra. When you’re in a group with friends or coworkers, you assume the authoritative role even though you kinda face an internal struggle when it comes to making decisions. It’s because you’re perpetually reasonable, which is why your loved ones seek and trust your advice. Remember that people aren’t trying to nag you when they ask you questions–they just care about you!
On New Year's Day, your planet Venus is will pass through the noble sun and powerful Pluto. This will mark the beginning of an enlightening period for you in both your professional and personal life. Pay more attention to the concerns of your coworkers and try to offer more help than usual -- you will find harmony when you allow yourself to open up.
In 2018, stop being so petty in romance. Whether you have or partner or not, you gotta indulge in a little lovin’ even if it feels cheesy. If you do have a partner, buy some lingerie and surprise the shit out of them. If not, buy some lingerie anyway. Btw, don’t be embarrassed about wanting to watch porn -- let your guard down and give it a spin this January.
Product recommendations: Say yes to tasteful products to indulge your bougie side. Squish (a timeless vibe that’s top of the line), Hanky Panky Naughty & Nice Two Pack Thongs (crotchless because, why not?), GCL Guilty Pleasure Lubricant, Plume (extend foreplay with this tickler. Plus, it’ll look cute on your nightstand!).
October 23-November 21
We probably don’t even need to tell you your horoscope, Scorpio, because chances are you already have tabs open from 13 different daily horoscope websites and we don’t wanna give you another bridge to burn.
Your passion is admirable and others may have envied you for it in 2017. In effect, your creative output has been no less than stellar recently, and this will not change come 2018. You’re an intense person, babe. Friends, family, coworkers–even strangers–enjoy your company for this reason, but in 2018 remember that it’s okay to say no.
You know that saying: “Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off.” Apply that shit to everything -- from your urges to post on Instagram every day to getting that fifth cup of coffee during your lunch break. Your coworkers and boss hold your creative opinion in pretty high esteem, which is dope, but withholding information may serve you well in the new year. Practice saying “IDK” in the mirror.
A sun-Venus-Pluto meetup in January may shine a positive light onto an existing or non-existing relationship, Scorpio. If you are willing to set those suspicious thoughts aside (which you CAN), then you can figure out what it is you really want -- sexually, romantically, physically, emotionally...whatever! You may surprise yourself.
Product recommendations: 2018 is for products that’ll make you even more you. Squish (customizable vibrations, aka figure out what you like), Coquettish Club Set (sensory play with a blindfold and tickler), Snake Nipple Clamps (snakes are your dominant symbol!), Vesper (are u really a Scorpio if you don’t own a vibrator necklace?).
November 22-December 21
Oh Sag, Sag, Sag…. the adventurer and wanderer. Always thinking about what’s next and the opportunities ahead. Trust us, 2018 has a lot in store for you. Your ruling planet, Jupiter, full of power, will keep you on your toes this year. 2017 left you feeling a little drained emotionally, and as the sign that feeds off the energy of others, it’s time for some big changes. As you grow older, you’re starting to realize that some of the friends you had at a younger age are no longer in line with your visions of the future and your values. Don’t be afraid to gently say goodbye. In order to make room for the new, you have to get rid of the old.
Professionally, 2018 is the year you learn to say no. While you love being the life of the party, you also need to start prioritizing self care and that means spending some weeknights at home reading and not out “grabbing drinks” and networking. You’re highly intellectually curious and this will serve you well in the coming year. Try to stay focused on a handful of big goals instead of being constantly distracted by little things that need to get done. In May the sun oppose Jupiter and things might feel like they aren’t going your way. Instead of getting frustrated and losing your cool, take time to reflect. Go for a walk and journal instead of letting your anger build and work to find the lessons in your failures.
The sun enters your sign at the end of November and you will feel truly unbridled. Save up in 2018 for a birthday trip that you plan for you and you alone. For while you enjoy the company of others (and, tbh, being the center of attention at times), you also rejuvenate by looking within, reflecting and exploring. Adventure is what feeds your soul, don’t starve it.
In love and in sex this is the year you truly stop caring so much about what others think of you and just commit to doing what feels right. With Uranus in and out of your sector in 2018 (leaving in May and returning in November), combined with Mercury in retrograde in March and April, you’ll feel a bit of turbulence in the middle of the year. The professional growth you experience could also trickle into your love life and you might realize that fire with fire sometimes is just too much fire. Instead of seeking out a crazy adventurer to rival you, perhaps look for compatibility in a grounded earth sign, or -- dare we say it -- with just yourself!