It’s insanely hot to lie on your back and watch a beautiful man suck your dick. I have a vagina, but I also have a penis — a strap-on compatible silicone purple dildo attached to my Aslan leather harness, to be exact. You bought it; you own it. While people predominantly associate strap-on sex as an act between two women (rightfully so, it’s a wondrous experience) people of all orientations and genders can enjoy the many benefits of adding a strap-on to your sex life, including heterosexual couples. “You can do queer things while you’re having straight sex,” says Tina Horn, sex educator. Horn is the author of several books, including Sexting: The Grownup's Little Book of Sex Tips for Getting Dirty Digitally and hosts the podcast Why Are People Into That?!. Horn is also a queer feminist pornography director, producer, and performer. Queer feminist porn such as at queerporn.tv is the place to watch realistic strap-on sex.

Lesbians and queer women have long touted the pleasure of wearing a strap-on to penetrate their partners. During oral, vaginal, or anal sex, the base of the dildo can press against your clit, giving you clitoral pleasure while you fuck your lover. There’s also the very real experience of feeling the strap-on as part of your body. You can both derive gratification from watching your partner’s expressions of pleasure, and honest to goddess, feel sexual fulfillment from within the dildo just like it’s a dick made of human tissue rather than silicone. For women with cis male partners interested in integrating strap-on sex into their lives, have I mentioned yet how hot it is to watch your male partner give you a blow job? Yes? Well, it’s worth repeating. “There’s the visual and the genderfuck element of it, whether it’s a female partner suck my dick or watching a man suck my dick, which is always delightful,” says Horn.

Personal and anecdotal evidence shared from friends indicate that more and more cis hetero-leaning men are becoming comfortable voicing their fantasies of having their female partner wear a strap-on. I’ve had men tell me they enjoy the visuals of a woman wearing a strap-on, want to go down on mine, and express interest in pegging, aka, getting boned in the butt with a strap-on. Since people with penises have prostates, anal sex can be extra special for them (although it’s fabulous for everyone, in my opinion). Pegging, like any form of anal sex, requires lots of preparation and even more lube. Warm up your partner’s ass with one finger, then two, and perhaps a smaller anal toy such as a butt plug before moving onto bigger penetration such as with a dildo. Assuming your strap-on is made with silicone, use a water-based lube, as silicone on silicone is a recipe for danger, like a Scorpio on another Scorpio. Silicone lube can cause silicone toys to break down, and you don’t want your dildo disintegrating inside your lover’s bum. 

Silicone toys are fabulous because they are super safe and easy to clean. The non-porous material is easily disinfected after use by boiling dildos like lobsters in a big pot or simply using soap and water. If you want to be extra safe, slap a condom on it. A silicone dick can’t get you pregnant, and if you’re concerned about STI transmission or you or your partner is having an HSV (herpes) outbreak, strap-on sex can be a safe alternative to penis in vagina (or penis in mouth, or butt) sex. And speaking of penis in vagina, for hetero couples exploring strap-on sex, just because one partner has a penis, that doesn’t mean they can’t be the wearer of the strap-on and have more than one dick. “There’s all kinds of things that cis men can learn from queer sex in terms of decentralizing your erection. It doesn’t have to be castrating; it doesn’t have to mean lock up your stupid junk. It’s just expanding the menu,” says Horn. Horn explains that if someone with a penis wants to penetrate their partner anally, but they’re packing some serious heat, wearing a smaller strap-on dildo is a wonderful way to engage in such penetration. Starting with something smaller can help your partner build up to larger phallic objects, like a man’s flesh and blood cock.

Having the penis-bearing partner wear a strap-on also opens up endless possibilities of variation, aka, the spice of life. Thanks to a harness and removable dildos, one can experience penetration from a plethora of penis: rainbow penis, dragon penis, smaller penis, bigger penis, purple penis, etc. Wearing a strap-on doesn’t make what you’ve already got less than, it shows that you’re a creative, giving, and open-minded partner who is probably a lot of fun to have sex with. Sex is supposed to be fun, silly, and consensually experimental. From our genitals to our hands and tongues, our bodies already give us plenty to work with. But as queer people have long known...why stop there? Not only is strap-on sex a very safe way to expand your sexual experience, but it allows you to indulge in visual and physical play beyond the immediate body, because why be a human when you can be a sex god or goddess?

Sophie Saint Thomas is a writer based in Brooklyn. She grew up in the U.S. Virgin Islands. Her writing is published in VICE, Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Marie Claire, High Times, Nylon, Playboy, GQ, Harper’s Bazaar and more. Brooklyn Magazine included her on their annual 2016 30 Under 30 Envy List. She was named “Slut of the Month” in January of 2017 by the feminist publication, Slutist.