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5 Steps to Great Egalitarian Anal Sex

5 Steps to Great Egalitarian Anal Sex
“We have to talk about liberating minds as well as liberating society.” -Angela Davis

One of the coolest things about the anus is that we all have one. It’s a very egalitarian orifice, and it can supply a tremendous amount of pleasure to all who choose to play with it. Yet, we so often create an anal sex binary. That’s right, I’m blending Derrida and derriere to make a valid point. Anal sex is all too often depicted as a power play where the penetrator is seen as dominant and the receiver is submissive. Don’t get me wrong, having something up your butt can make you feel a tad vulnerable, but it doesn’t mean you can’t also be enjoying and engaging as equals.  

This article is for all people with an interest in the spectrum of anal sex, including gay, lesbian, transgender, and heterosexual people. It is just as much for the person planning to give as the person planning to receive.

Now without further ado, here are 5 steps to the great egalitarian style anal sex Simone de Beauvoir would want you to have.

Step 1: Communication 

“Everything becomes a little different as soon as it’s spoken out loud.” -Herman Hesse

Along with anal equipment, another thing most people seem to have in common is trepidation around talking to their lovers about what they desire. Even the most liberated among us can find it a bit awkward to verbalize fantasies, needs, desires, and feelings with their significant other or others. Even polyamorous lovers can get tongue-tied. Anal sex can be an especially daunting topic of conversation. Because even if the one you’re with is all about ass, you don’t know it until it comes up in conversation. Maybe you already have the intel that your partner is into it, you still have to talk it out.

First up, forgive the stigmas. While not everyone is up for up-the-butt, most people are curious about it and non-judgmental; however, they can still find the topic a little uncomfortable at first. Lighten the mood by staying casual and detached from the outcome. If your love doesn’t want to do it, then that’s okay, there are plenty of other fun things to do and respecting their choice is one. If they are interested but uncertain, make it fun and take it slow. Start with talking fantasy, what you imagine you both want. But talk about how you’ll agree to take it slow, how you’ll both be safe, and any concerns that arise. Sharing articles or links on the subject can also be fun. Just make sure you label your emails NSFW. Texting about anal play is great for getting the ball rolling and building some erotic tension, but talking about it in person will make it easier to speak up when you get into the bedroom.

You can also try using sex-positive proclamations about how you want your partner to “play with your asshole” or “show you their asshole” during foreplay or intercourse on occasions leading to your day of anal play.

Step 2: Preparation

“Buying is a profound pleasure.” -Simone de Beauvoir

Great egalitarian anal sex includes a bit of shopping. While fingers, tongues, and penes (more than one penis) are all excellent appendages for all kinds of anal, there is something to be said for having a great sex toy. Anal stimulation requires a gradual increase in terms of the size of what goes in. To go from a finger to an erect penis can be uncomfortable, painful, or impossible.  

Toys can be the missing link between anal play and anal sex. Often people will say they love fingers or a nice rim job, but can’t handle anal sex. That’s because the sizing is an issue. There are even butt plug sets that come with an assortment of sizes so you can gradually increase the size and still get to enjoy anal play:

Nudge is the perfect starter plug! It is silicone (meaning they will warm to your body temperature, feel better, and are non-porous) and has a flared base to keep it in place and not traveling up your rectum (until a doctor removes it). Nudge is just right.

Another option to consider as you shop for anal toys is Gem. This dual-ended borosilicate glass dil' is perfect for anal play because it's easy to clean and provides a variety of sensations. Plus, she's pretty. If you want something that vibrates, check out Bender, which is perfect for "p-spot" stimulation. Since Gem and Bender don't have flared bases like Nudge, make sure that you or your partner keep a comfortable grip on them.

Step 3: Lubrication

“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors where there were only walls.” -Joseph Campbell

Lube is the essence of anal life. It should be considered a non-negotiable when talking up the butt, because the anus, unlike the vagina, is not self-lubricating. Spit will not do. It dries too quickly and can leave the anus feeling itchy. Not to mention, if you are wetting your fingers with spit before insertion, you can only do that once. No double dipping unless you really hate hygiene.

The best anal lubricant is the one that feels best for you and is compatible with your toys. Typically that means water-based because most of the high-quality toys on the market now are made of silicone. Silicone toys and silicone lube don’t work well together because the silicones can bind, ruining your good vibes. Wicked Anal Lube is pretty much the perfect formula for anal sex. It has a luxurious feel, is long lasting, and pH balanced. It’s also a great price. So no excuses, get you some lube.

Step 4: Anticipation

“Nobody knows what anticipation is anymore. Everything is so immediate.” -Joan Jett 

Use your imagination and allow yourself to get very aroused by the thought of anal sex. The more you think about it, the more you can allow your desire to overcome any fears you may have as both exist in the mind.

Another way to relax your mind so that your body will follow suit is to actually meditate. I’m not saying you need to light a candle and chant “om” while clenching and unclenching your sphincter… what I am saying is that you can do that if you want to. Our society as a whole can still be pretty puritanical when it comes to human sexuality, and whether we like it or not, these messages can penetrate our psyches. Spending a little time clearing the mind and reflecting on your thoughts surrounding anal sex is time well spent. Here’s an example… if the idea of sitting in quietude thinking about your or your love’s anus triggers “ew no” feelings, ask yourself why. There’s no right or wrong answer, this is just an invitation to contemplate your own sexuality. Or spend five minutes jotting down why you’re excited or why you are nervous.  

There are three main reasons for these suggestions. First, to help you recognize and release any mental discomfort before going forward so that you can stop yourself if you don’t feel ready or anytime during your anal experience. Second, to better articulate how you’re feeling to your mate. Third, to allow your mind to shift into pleasure mode.  It’s like the iconoclastic women of En Vogue once said, “free your mind and the rest will follow.”

Step 5: Stimulation and Penetration 

“Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.” -Helen Keller

 It’s a common misconception that anal sex is always painful, but it doesn’t have to be. Anal sex can be as romantic, pleasurable and fulfilling as any other form of lovemaking if you focus on you and your partner’s enjoyment.  

Starting with foreplay, stimulation of your body and mind can happen hours or days before the act if you and your partner flirt, tease and talk about what’s to come. It’s a good idea to shower right before and be sure to wash your rear end with soap and water, which can be done alone or with your partner for a fun pre-game activity. 

Then when it’s time to get to it, try being especially complimentary, kind, and loving to you love. Again, anal sex has a lot of stigma around it and the media portrays it as rough and dirty, so when you romance the ass a little with tender loving care, it goes a long way to get in the mood. You can still get as raunchy and dirty talkin’ as you like, but starting with a baseline of affection can get you on the same page to begin on and then read your lover’s body language and verbal responses as you progress.

As you lube the anus, use your index finger (make sure your nails are trimmed and clean and use latex gloves for added protection) and move in circles and mix it up between gently pressing the center and massaging the periphery. Do this a few times before inserting your finger. Then insert slowly, and ask your partner how they feel. And if you’re on the receiving end, be proactive in guiding your partner with clear directives like “this feels so good,” “that’s too much,” “oh I like that pressing thing you’re doing.”

Then you move to a toy and follow a similar series of steps, moving slowly and paying attention to your body and your partner. The same for when inserting a penis or strap on. Use your hands and mouth to stimulate each other’s entire bodies. Sometimes a big plan for a night of anal can start to feel too localized. Remember to rub the clit, cup the balls, and pinch the nipples. Egalitarian anal sex is a whole body experience. 


Anal sex is not a power play. It’s not about dominating someone or succumbing to another. It’s about pleasure. That’s the giving and receiving that really matters.


By Stephanie Salyers

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