A Queer Beginner's Guide to Having Sex with Someone with A Vulva

a graphic of a suggested search with questions about how to have sex with a vulva

If you’re feeling a little inexperienced with pleasuring a pussy, sex writer & femme lesbian Emily Zawadzki is here to help with her beginner’s guide to having sex with someone with a vulva!

Hey there newcomers!

Whether you’re just starting to explore your sexuality or you’re simply curious about what it’s like to be with someone with a vulva (especially as a queer person), here are my tips for anyone new to having sex with a vulva/vagina.

Since queer sex can look different to all sorts of folks…a good place to begin with anyone new is to talk about what types of sexual activities you’d like to do together.

Oral sex? Grinding & scissoring? Fingering? Strap-on play? Anal play? BDSM/kinky play? PHEW, all of the fun to be had!🤤🥵 This isn’t meant to overwhelm you, but more to give you the idea that your queer sex can be whatever you and the other person (or people) involved want it to be!

For most newbies though, oral sex, finger play, and strap-on play are some of the most common sex acts to be enjoyed between two folks with a vulva.

Whatever you’re gonna do though, be sure you do it safely because safe sex absolutely still applies!

Fingernails

If you plan on doing any fingering or hand play, fingernail hygiene is important because the vagina is one big mucous membrane that can easily let bacteria into the body, especially through any accidental rips or tears. So be sure to trim them, file down any jagged edges, and check for any open cuts on your fingers.

Pssst…take it from this femme though, you don’t always need to get rid of any longer nails or sets for fingering. If you prefer your claws out, use either a finger condom or a glove with cotton balls stuffed at the end (where the tip of the nail is) to keep it from poking through and to prevent them from doing any damage while playing.

Dental Dams & Condoms

If you plan on fluid bonding with a new person (which happens when you consensually decide to exchange bodily fluids with someone else), then you also need to be sure you’re having the STI talk too before you get down. Folks with a vulva can be fluid bonded to others through oral sex, scissoring & grinding with another vulva, if you share sex toys, etc.

If you don’t want to engage in fluid bonding with someone with a vulva though, you can use dental dams & condoms to act as a barrier from fluids passing between you.

Dams are a thin, rectangular piece of latex meant to be placed over the vulva or anus, often for oral sex.
Since external condoms are typically easier to come by though, you can easily turn one of these into a dam simply by cutting off the tip, and then cutting up the side so that it opens up into a flat piece of latex.
If you plan on sharing any internal sex toys (like dildos and vibrators), use an external condom on the toy and switch it out with a new one for each person.
Alternatively, you can check out the unique and innovative brand, Lorals, that have created the first FDA-cleared wearable protection underwear; all made of latex and available in a variety of underwear styles!

Look up some feminist porn!

A vague “lesbian porn” Google search will likely take you to tons of content that, while yes, is “girl on girl”, has also often been created for the male gaze…aka not necessarily what real WLW/queer people actually look like, do, or enjoy.

Feminist porn on the other hand, provides more realistic queer & WLW content since it is more likely to be made by and for queer folks IRL.

Pssst…do you know any lesbians, bisexual, pansexual, or other queer women-identifying folks who talk openly about their sex lives? It can be helpful to listen to real life queer folks talk about how they have sex. Whether that’s through a more personal conversation with someone you know (like your gay bff) or virtually, such as by watching someone’s video or reading their blog post (oh hi there🙋🏻‍♀️), it can help to learn from the real experts.

Think about your own pleasure preferences

Now of course all vulvas and vaginas are different, so I’m not saying that what works for you will necessarily work for someone else with one, but it can be a good place to start if you’re feeling like you don’t know what to do. What do you like? A tongue moving in circles on your clit? Something specific done with fingers?

Give that a go on the person you’re pleasing and gauge by their body language and communication to see if it’s working for them or not!

Speaking of communication…YOU can also be the one to open up the conversation for any helpful hints by asking them things like “do you like that?” Does it feel good when I _____?” They’ll probably either let you know that they really like it, or may offer suggestions to guide you such as “a little to the left”, or “try it with more pressure”.

Some other important things to consider:

Every BODY will likely taste different…sometimes even the same person at different times of the month or life! So many things can affect a vagina’s pH level which in turn can affect the way the person tastes.

Pssst…unfortunately, many folks can still feel self-conscious about how they smell/taste so be sure to ALWAYS remain respectful, and hell, even hype them up about it by saying things like “mmm you taste so good”, “I love going down on you”, etc.

While it can be a personal preference to clean your vulva (the outer parts) before sex, you NEVER need to clean your actual vagina (the inside). It’s self-cleaning and designed to keep its own healthy pH levels.
If you’re feeling hesitant about performing oral sex (on a vulva or anus) specifically…

You can use a barrier like a dam (double points for safety!)
Or you can try a flavoured lube (as long as that's okay with the receiver, some folks may have preferred brands or types they like to use that works best for their body)!

We all have different preferences for our pubic hair and you might come across a hairy vulva - no worries! Sometimes hair has to be pushed out of the way a bit to easier access a clitoris or labia with your tongue, fingers, or a toy.
Some strap-ons & harnesses make it possible for both people to receive simultaneous pleasure while using! If this is your goal, look for either a strap-on harness that has a vibrator pocket, vibrating harnesses & attachments, and/or strapless strap-ons.
There’s a common trope in the queer community that “lesbian sex can go on forever…and here’s the thing, it’s kinda true!😉 In bodies with a vulva, there is no refractory period (like there is with a penile ejaculation), which means it’s possible to experience more than one orgasm per play session, so if both of your bodies can get into that rhythm together, it’s totally possible to ride that wave into orgasm after orgasm!

Emily Zawadzki (she/her) is a femme lesbian with a passion for inclusive, pleasure-based sex education and sex toys! She works as an educator & content creator for Canadian sex toy company Stag Shop by day and freelance writes about sex by night. Learn more by following her on Instagram or checking out her website.