It started with an orgasm (or a lack thereof). In 2015, Emma Koenig (@emjuko) began a Tumblr page in which she posted anonymous stories from different women about their relationship to their orgasms. The Tumblr was called How To Make Me Come and it blossomed into what is now her third book, entitled MOAN: Anonymous Essays on Female Orgasm.

MOAN presents the reader with stories that bring to light the emotions and memories of experiences that so many of us are unable to articulate fully. It reminds us that sexual desire and frustration are not mutually exclusive–that it's okay to feel both. Perhaps most importantly, MOAN is a rallying cry for talking about and asking for what you want during a sexual encounter. 

Recently, we sat down with Emma to chat about her book, orgasms, and more. 

What is ‘good sex’?

Good sex is like eating a good meal. You enjoy it in three stages: anticipating it, participating in the act of it, and feeling satisfied afterwards. Good sex is when everyone involved feels respected, desired, sexy, excited, and safe. Good sex is when you are still thinking about it the next day and smiling to yourself at the memory.

There are a lot of people who want to convey their likes and dislikes during sex with a partner, but they’re either nervous about interrupting or just don’t know how to do it. Do you have any go-to suggestions or phrases for communicating your feelings in the moment?

(DISCLAIMER: Hopefully this advice is helpful, but if there's one thing I know about sex, it is about what works for you. So if the following isn't your speed, I would try imagining how you would advise a friend who came to you with this issue. We are often way better at figuring out solutions for other people than for ourselves. So why not pretend you're someone else!)

First off, this is totally normal. Many of us struggle with communicating our needs while still trying to take into account how our audience will receive and interpret our words. Whether it's debating how to phrase a text message or how to speak up when someone says something you disagree with or even attempting to properly convey your intense adoration for a movie, we are constantly having to reassess what we feel and how to explain it to someone else. So no wonder this can feel especially difficult during sex when another part of our brain is in the driver's seat.

In terms of bringing up your sexual "likes,"enthusiastic vocal encouragement is huge. If someone is eating your pussy and it feels great, say something like, "I love the way you eat my pussy." Your partner will dig it and you don't have to search for the perfect words. All you're doing is literally describing what's happening! If you are feeling bold, you can throw an adjective in there, but simply hearing a sentence describing the hot thing you're experiencing can exponentially increase the hotness of what you're experiencing!

Also, if you want something to happen that isn't happening, you can say something like, "I think it's really hot when you x my y" or "I want you to z." You could also talk about specific parts of your body and ways you like it to be touched, e.g. "It feels really good when you slowly suck on my nipples." These are the kind of desires you might want to take stock of while you're alone. Once you are really tapped in to what you like, it's way easier to tell someone else.

Speaking up about your "dislikes" can sometimes feel more challenging because you may be concerned about hurting the other person's feelings and/or ruining the vibe (or a million other reasons). But first of all, better to have a slightly awkward moment of speaking up than to feel discomfort. Feeling physically or emotionally uncomfortable will ruin the vibe way more than tactful honesty ever could.

Of course you're always allowed to kindly say "Please stop that" or "I don't like that" or whatever the hell you want to make sure you're having the experience you want, but sometimes that phrasing can feel too negative or harsh, especially if the other person is really into it. One way that may help in addressing the dislikes is to replace them with a positive. It may be easier to say, "I like it when you go super slow" than to say, "Jesus, you're going too fast!"

If it's too hard to be speak precisely in the moment, you can get really specific when you're not having sex anymore and it's easier to have a real conversation. You can highlight the things you love and also throw in an "FYI: It was interesting to try that position at the end, but moving forward, I don't think it's for me."

How did your relationship with or understanding of the female sexual experience change while crafting MOAN?

My understanding of the female sexual experience completely expanded through crafting MOAN. It reinforced my belief that there is a vast spectrum of desire and that sex is a highly idiosyncratic experience. I absorbed the joy of these stories, but also the pain. It made me feel connected to other women in a way I'd never quite felt before. We all have heartache and rage and bliss and strength and vulnerability. In relation to sex, yes, but in relation to so many aspects of ourselves. And it feels so good to talk about it all and to see your feelings both reflected and refracted in the experiences of others. I feel like I want to hug all the women in the world at once. I want to listen to the all the stories inside every single woman.

Also, my deep exploration of the female sexual experience counter-intuitively made me really consider the male sexual experience in a new way. Everyone has a rich inner sexual life. Everyone has a story which deserves compassion and appreciation. 

I know that MOAN would have changed everything for my 12-year-old self. Who would you say MOAN is for (if not for everyone)?

I really think this is for everyone! You do not need to be a woman or someone who has sex with women to get something out of this. Although if you do have sex with women, I do highly recommend this. This collection contains moments which are surprising, uncomfortable, relatable, sad, and exciting. And I think what feels surprising to one person will feel relatable to another. What feels sexy to one person will be a turn off to another. So my hope is that everyone feels some version of the emotional spectrum of these pieces, even though what the essay brings out of the reader will be different person to person.

And it is those differences in the essays and the differences in the readers' reactions that I hope lay the groundwork for honest, loving conversations post-reading. 

If you could get MOAN into the hands of one person, who would it be?

Just one?? DJ Khaled.