So you’re going to a sex party, because why the fuck not? It’s 2017 and you definitely should make some time for a little bit of sex partying before the world ends right? Maybe this is your first time, or maybe you’ve been to a couple before. Either way, the following tips will ensure that you’re the ultimate sex party queen and can be assured that you’ll be invited back.

1. Always Get Consent    

Ask before you watch anyone, ask before you touch anyone. Make sure that you know what the party’s safe word is before you begin (it’s often ‘red’). If you hear the safe word, stop whatever you’re doing and check in with your play partner. Remember that communication can be done in many subtle ways before a safe word is used. Keep reading your partner’s body language and stay mindful as to whether they’re still comfortable.

2. Don’t Assume Anyone’s Gender or Pronouns    

Unless the party you go to is specifically for people of one gender, it’s likely that the people in attendance will all have different genders. It’s polite to quickly ask someone for their pronouns before you refer to them with any kind of gendered language. You can introduce yourself like ‘Hi, I’m X and I use she/her pronouns, how about you?’. This way you can avoid accidentally misgendering someone and potentially causing dysphoria and distress.

3) Don’t Get Too Drunk    

Whilst it can certainly be tempting to drink to soothe your nerves, it’s advisable to limit yourself to something sensible like a 2-3 drink maximum. Anymore than that and you risk becoming less aware of your own and other people’s boundaries. Furthermore, some parties are a one hundred percent drug and alcohol free space, so make sure you check what the rules are before you have a little sex party pre-game. If you’ve had any alcohol/drugs it’s your responsibility to let your play partners for the night know so they can decide if they want to engage in activities with you. People will appreciate your honesty.

4) Leave Your Phone Alone    

Whilst it might be tempting to jazz up your IG game with a light sprinkling of sex party shenanigans, you should most definitely refrain from taking any kind of photo or video of what’s going down. Respect people’s right to privacy. You never know who could see the shots and what the ramifications might be. Some people might be in the closet, some people might just balk at the idea that their cousin/boss/friend could end up seeing their bare ass. Leave your phone at home or turn it off and leave it somewhere safe away from the action.

5) Be Mindful of the Space    

Don’t hog the floggers, don’t take up all the space on the couches so there’s no place for anyone else, don’t get a seat all sweaty and wet and then not wipe up after yourself. Just generally be aware that the night isn’t all about you! Everyone is there to have a good time and everyone wants to feel like they have the opportunities to do what they want. Be respectful so that everyone can be comfortable.

6) Leave the Drama at Home    

If you’re attending the party with a partner (or two or three) then make sure you have a clear idea about what you are both/all expecting from the night and any definite no-nos. This way you will avoid tensions whilst at the party which could make other partygoers uncomfortable. If tensions do arise between you and the people you came with, save any heated discussions for outside of the space. If that means that you have to leave, so be it. Other people came to have fun, not be privy to your awkward arguments.  

7) Be Chatty and Open!    

It’s a sex party not a sex ‘boring day at the office’. That is, have fun, engage with people. Flirt and chat and talk about whatever you want. It doesn’t all have to be serious and ~sexy~. People are there to connect, so be brave and strike up conversations. If you’re a seasoned pro and you spot someone looking nervous and unsure, talk to them and share your advice. If you’re a first timer, work up the courage to say to someone who seems like they know what they’re doing ‘Hey I’m new to this whole thing, can you give me some tips?’. People love to feel useful and this also works as a good way to break the ice with someone you’re lusting over but don’t know how to approach.

8) Dress to Impress    

This one might be a given, but put a lot of thought into what you’re going to wear. If there’s a theme or dress-code make sure you stick to it. If you flout the rules you might risk being denied entry or worse, people will think that you think you’re above the rules. Wear something you’re comfortable in though, no one wants to watch you pull your underwear out of your butt all night.

9) USE PROTECTION    

Self explanatory really. Wrap it up, gals xoxo

Kesiena Boom is a Black lesbian feminist and writer. She has a degree in Sociology and is working on a Master's in Gender Studies. Her work focuses on issues of sex, sexuality, race, and gender. Read more by her @ kesienaboom.com or tweet her @KesienaBoom.

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