By Jessica Webb (yep, that's me in the photo!)

I recently attended SXSW in Austin, Texas, and could not imagine a better time to wear the shirt I had recently purchased. It is a plain white T-shirt with bold red letters that read, "Make A Woman Cum For Once."

Brilliant.

I knew a crowded festival in the middle of the city would be the perfect place to prove a point. My shirt would get attention for the simple fact that the words written across it are risqué and utterly true.

Most of the men who caught a glimpse quietly turned away. The women loved it and didn't hesitate to tell me so. 

A cute man with a burly build quickly asked, "Do you mind if I send a picture of your shirt to my wife? She loves to argue and will get a kick out of this!"

Later, a tall brunette woman with red sunglasses spit out her drink when she saw it, grabbed her phone, and begged, "Can I snapchat you to my friends? They are going to die." This continued to happen, all day long.

My personal favorite question of the day–the walking, talking reason that inspired the shirt’s creation in the first place–came from a short man with a smug glimmer in his eye. He grabbed my shoulder and frowned.

"I never knew this was a problem?" I considered explaining that a comment like that only justifies the necessity of wearing the shirt, but instead flatly replied, "I guarantee every woman you've ever had the pleasure of penetrating faked every last orgasm." It was satisfying.

Obviously, I've had my fair share of thoughts about women and their orgasms.

I started masturbating at a young age. I was having orgasms before I even knew why rubbing myself made me feel so good. When I got older and grew increasingly comfortable discussing my vagina with my friends (way before any of them wanted to hear it), I became aware that this was not a reflection of most women's experiences. When I pried into the details of their own solo-sex lives I was usually met with the same response: I'm just not sure if I have ever had an orgasm.

You know that age-old answer to the question, "How do you know when you're in love?" The answer is the same whether or not you've ever had an orgasm. When you know, you know.

I have since given friends, acquaintances, and even colleagues thorough advice on achieving their own orgasms. Relax. Explore. Do only what feels good. There is no right or wrong in coming. It may take time and effort for women to master the art of pleasing themselves. After that, some are met with a new problem: teaching men the same thing.

From the first year that I decided I was ready to be sexually active (something of course my mother and I will never agree on) I was painfully aware of one thing. Many men are completely ignorant when it comes to recognizing and understanding a female orgasm.

I am still astounded by the amount of men who have rolled over and asked, "How many times did you come?"

I assume the confusion comes from the natural lubrication a vagina produces when aroused, or the amount of women who have faked orgasms with said man in the past (whether to make him feel good or to get the situation to come to an end). Either way, I want to be clear. Just because a woman is wet does not mean the woman has achieved orgasm

The most telling signs of a woman coming are not how wet she is, how loud she is being, or even how deep those nail marks on your back are. The most obvious indication that a woman is at her pleasure's peak is muscular contraction. This might feel like a pulsating sensation against the penis and most of the time will require some kind of stimulation around the clitoris.


Speaking of the clitoris:

While the majority of men can achieve orgasm solely with friction, it's important to understand that every woman experiences pleasure differently. There is no magic formula that will make every woman come, but the clitoris is a great place to start. You can pump as hard and fast as humanly possible (I commonly refer to men who do this as “rabbits”) and you will be no closer to making me come than you were when you shook my hand. This is where communication becomes a vital part in giving a woman an orgasm. 

The problem is, most men don't feel comfortable simply asking, "What turns you on?" 

It might feel embarrassing to verbalize something that seems so nonverbal. Sometimes talking about sex can be more intimidating than actually having sex. But, we're talking about another body being inside of yours. This merits a conversation. What comes next will be you. Pun intended.

Ladies: you are entitled to your orgasm. Tell him to slow down. Move his finger and show him exactly where your clitoris is located. Tell him to speed up. Tell him what he is doing right with his tongue and wrong with his hand. Men might be hesitant to ask for directions on the road but trust me, it doesn't hurt to give them directions in the bedroom. If the man you are boning is not receptive to your suggestions, find one who is. You are entitled to your orgasm.

Disclaimer: I acknowledge that this article is directed towards women/female-identifying individuals who seek sexual experiences with men. I wrote this piece with no intention of downplaying or ignoring non-heterosexual relationships and experiences. The purpose of my writing was to discuss and reflect on my own personal experiences with the hopes of informing in a way that is intimate and anecdote-based.

5 comments

  • Karen Clark on

    Yes! Your best advice? There is no right or wrong way to orgasm. I took a class on Human Sexuality in college, way back in the 70s. After watching a short film featuring only a woman, a feather and a hair dryer, I realized sexual appetite is as varied as we are. The 1970s slogan, “If It Feels Good, Do It,” definitely applies. Also, you are right, communication with your partner is key – don’t be embarrassed to say what you like in any area of your life.
    I love your writing style, heartfelt and “in your face”. Just like you are IRL! Your “rabbit” reference, in conjunction with the idea that a handshake isn’t going to get you anywhere is charmingly insightful. Keep ‘em coming, Jess!

  • Brit on

    I love it, the website the magazine the brazeness and charity lets see where it goes?

  • Matt on

    I think that you are a great writer and I am happy to know you.

  • Cassandra Walker on

    Hellll yesss! I love it!

  • JOsh on

    Very nice jessica. Society and our parents make the subject taboo, but communication is definitely an extremely important tool in our arsenal. Well played with the tee :)

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