How to Talk About Sex Toys

Collage of sex toys surrounding a photo of a femme person modeling hand cuffs

Covering new ground in the bedroom can be a little nerve-wracking, whether it’s with a new fling or your longtime partner. One way to break the ice is to introduce a third — no, not a person (not yet anyway) — but a toy can be a great facilitator in communicating what you want to explore.

Remember: consent is key. As much as this is about exploring what you want, it’s just as important to establish what you don’t. Here are some tips on how to lay down those ground rules:

Discuss it beforehand. Ideally, this conversation should happen before anything sexual occurs. It takes away some of the urgency and awkwardness you may feel in the moment.
Text or talk about it on the phone. This is an incredibly vulnerable discussion, and your comfort should be prioritized. Not every important conversation needs to happen in person, just so long as it actually happens.
Do your homework. Seriously! Reflect on your desires, rewatch some porn or reread erotica you’ve enjoyed and reflect on what you would like to pursue with your partner. Bonus points if you bring examples to share ;)

Sexy games

Games are a great way to bring up a topic you’re too nervous about broaching yourself or introducing something you hadn’t considered before. A pair of sexy dice, 21 questions, or a plain bowl filled with suggestions can help you ease into it. Our Truth or Dare Cards have 44 prompts to help you and your partner open up about your desires and dare you to cover new ground.

These games should be fun and, most importantly, consent-centered! Remember: you make the rules of the game. Modify or skip any prompts you don’t vibe with.

Sensation play

Embrace and build anticipation by experimenting with sensation play and figure out what makes you tingle (or your skin crawl) to maximize you and your partner’s O.

Heat things up (or cool things down)

Temperature plays a huge part in amplifying our body’s sensations. It can be as simple as taking an ice cube and tracing erogenous zones or snagging a body-safe candle and (very carefully!) dripping wax on your partner’s skin. Remember to check in: Is this too hot? Too cold? Where on your body do you want to feel this? Our glass dildos, Gem and Stellar, can be submerged in warm or cold water to take this to the next level.

Make your skin tingle.

Level up your spank game with Tsk, our dual-ended toy, which has a paddle on one end and silky, silicone tassels on the other. Before diving into this, establish where and how you want this to happen. Demonstrate and practice spanking within each other’s comfort level by spanking a safer body area, like your forearm. It sounds awkward, but it helps you both feel more comfortable and confident in the moment when the time comes!

If you’re not that into spanking but still want to make your skin tingle, Spike is a great way to achieve that. Originally called a Wartenberg Wheel, this small spikey device was developed to test nerve endings. The long handle allows you to apply pressure as you see fit making this a fun foreplay tool.

Vibes

Consider adding a toy that can be worn during sex, like Bender, our flexible vibrator that is ideal for G-Spot, clitoral, or overall external stimulation. Beforehand, cycle through the vibe intensity levels and different pattern settings and figure out what feels good for the both of you.

Pick one of your favorite vibes and show your partner your favorite ways to use it on yourself. Not only does this add a little sexy showmanship element to foreplay, but it’s actually a pretty effective teaching method — we recommend Puff or Pep for this! Show, don’t tell!

Ok, but do tell (or ask):

Checking in with your partner doesn’t have to “kill” the mood. Adding in straightforward questions can help keep things moving in the right direction: